Lovey-dovey talk

If your words are just words and mean nothing, then you are really horrible. Because you are serenading me and making me fall for you all over again. why do i love you so?

I still love you

It's funny, it's been 3 months since I've been with you. It seems really fast but it also seems like it's been longer than that. I can't decide.

Been talking to my friends and they are very empathetic to our situation and whilst they are doing their best not to judge, they have made it clear to me they don't like me being with you very much. I would probably feel the same if one of my friends suffered so visibly while he/she was in a relationship. Lol. That's what you do to me, make my friends hate you. 哈哈。

While speaking to one of my friends, who said he thought it was pretty clear to him that I'm over you, I kinda realized.... I ain't over you at all. I've just gotten used to the way things are with us. It doesn't bother me so much anymore; and I've realized why.

因为我依然爱你。

My love for you has kept me sane through all this. To be honest - and my friends know this about me - I do not take shit from people. But with you.... It's different. I guess that's why my friends are bothered. And when I ask myself why I go through with it, the answer is always the same; 因为我依然爱你。

Things with us are not so bad now, I feel. 我已经习惯了。I just wish I get to see you soon, that's all. No other wishes or expectations. So many men buzz around me these days. It's nice, it truly is. You made me start going to the gym and now it's paying off. But with every man I am with, I always end up wishing they were you instead. I guess even if i wanted to, I couldn't break our promise. My heart is still only for you.

Really feel like traveling around China. Might plan to do it soon. Maybe you can visit me then... better still, 你可以陪我走。 呵呵 ：）

For all the ...

Samson,

For all the pain you put me through.
For all the tears you've made me shed
For all the nights of sleep you made me lose

For all the promises you never kept
For all the messages you never replied
For all the hurt my heart has felt

For all the things you've asked of me
Not once have I said no
Yet not once have you thought of how I'd be.


For all the pain you put me through
For all the hope you made me lost
I have nothing more to say to you,
Than goddammit Samson, FUCK YOU!!!

Where does my heart lie now?

亲爱的

How is the weather in Hubei? I mean, that's where you are right? I honestly don't know where you are or what you do. You get me worried sick I swear. 

I met someone recently, his name is Jasper. He's really nice and so innocent. Not to mention he's really cute too. He takes all my compliments well and he's always so humble about it too. He's been messaging me everyday these past couple of days now, and it's really nice since he's the one initiating these messages. Makes me feel special, like someone so good looking would want my attention. The last time I felt like this was with ........ you.

Maybe I don't deserve to have you as my boyfriend. Maybe I broke someone's heart so badly in my past life that my karma is back to haunt me. Maybe I deserve this suffering for taking you away from your family and your rightful path in life. Maybe. When I think about it, I really feel that all I've ever done and can be blamed for, is that I fell in love with you.

Perhaps it's just our fate that is such, and I have no reason to blame myself or blame you for any of this. I am sure you do not intentionally want me to suffer. I mean, who am I kidding? You're not really my boyfriend. We just say that to please each other and the people around us. I am more than happy to play this lovegame with you, because it means I still can have you in my life. Maybe in the future, I can have a better reason to want to keep you in my life. Haha. I was truly lucky to have met you. I am still in disbelief actually. Many people are jealous of me! When I think about it, I really feel like the biggest blessing that I have been given, was that I fell in love with you.

I wonder if we will truly ever meet again, I really do. Not just because you seem hesitant, but as time seems to pass, I seem hesitant too. Don't you ever think for a second that I would just walk away. I want you and I miss you and I love you too much for that. I keep seeing you in my mind, but the memories are getting less vivid as they were before and all I have are pictures to remind me of them. Even when I picture you, I almost forget how you look like. 

请原谅我, maybe it's just my loneliness acting up on me. Anyway this thing with Jasper... we're just friends, nothing more. I'd never find someone else; you would. I hope you are well. Please text me again soon.

我会永远爱你，亲爱的。

I'm waiting on you

亲爱的，

I must be honest, I seem no longer frustrated at you for not replying, or just simply, not being there. I don't know, maybe I've settled in and have understood the dynamics of our relationship. I still do with you would reply me more often though :)

I stalk your WeChat everyday, hoping to see a new post from you so that I can quickly translate it and find out what's going on in your life, what is in your mind etc. Mind you, some of the things you share, take a lot of effort translating! I wonder if you would appreciate my effort. It's okay I would have done it either way.

I find it strange when you thank me for thinking of you. I don't know if it's a cultural difference or it's just your character; does it mean you don't think of me? Yet sometimes you randomly message me saying you think of me often. I am confused, honestly.

Two nights ago, my 'godmother' called me up in the middle of the night. She said she had been praying about my situation (as in you know, you and me) and she said God had revealed to her that you were just making use of me, nothing more. You have no feelings for me whatsoever. She was so hesitant to say it and kept beating around the bush. That was annoying haha.

What she said is not something I haven't thought of. It really changes very little. Just want you to know it doesn't matter if you love me or not, I always will cherish you and our times together. I know that you still say to me that you love me and so on. It's okay if you don't really mean it. I wish I could express to you how much you mean to me - that I want you to be honest and real with me, and that it would not make you any less desirable to me. Just that, my chinese not good enough for that, haha. In time maybe :)

I've postponed my trip to china, as per your request. Would you please let me know when I can make my way there? I would like to see you again sometime. You asked me to trust you right? So here I am patiently waiting. 

hugs and kisses.
AJ

I Miss Him

It's not fair

I'm talking to you up there

Are you there? You know I care

So don't tell me this is an empty prayer

Please, no.

Cause all I had and all I've lost

You know I still remember

I watch him fade and slip away

It's hurting more than ever

I miss him

Even though he's still there

You need to listen

Don't let it disappear!

I'll give up my forever

If it meant for a day I could be with him again

Cause I miss him

Even though he's still there.

Adapted from 'I Miss Her' by Jessie J

Just changed the words a little bit to represent how I feel. I hope that someday you can read all I've written and know my struggles, 亲爱的。

情人节。。。？

亲爱的 Ah Liang

你好吗？I guess it was rather silly of me to dream of spending valentine's day with you this year. I've never had a chance to spend it with a 情人 before - being hopeful is no sin, right?

My restaurant was very busy on Valentine's day, it was a killer. We were all so tired. Though my manager has was getting emotional, thinking about her ex-boyfriends, It surprised me that during the shift, you did not cross my mind at all. Perhaps I was so busy I really couldn't think much at all.

After the shift however, and the days preceding it, my mind was was really occupied by you. I kept thinking how it was so unfair. I kept complaining to God, asking him how he could let something like this happen to me - to us. I never really doubted God much in recent times, but my love for you has even battered such a strong pillar I thought could never waver. I can't even lead my cell group well anymore, because of how off-centre I am. 

I'm sorry, I know it seems like I'm complaining alot these days. I forget to remember the happy things. Like how I was absolutely delighted that you texted me saying 情人节快乐. That little chat with you made me feel regenerated and I feel like I have the strength to carry on, especially after you said 请相信我们会见面。I miss you terribly. I really do hope we will see each other again. Been working so hard to see you again, that I've fallen ill. Need to get some rest, not just physically but emotionally as well. 

It is really cold where you are right now, please stay warm.