This is not goodbye, but...

How are you 亲爱的?

You sent me a couple of messages yesterday. You seem rather busy. I'm glad to know you're doing okay in Hubei. Got yourself a waiter's job huh? Cool. Just like me. I know first hand how tough it can be, being a waiter and all. I hope you get enough rest.

Cheng Yong (the chef at work) was teasing me again today, about you. In the process, he pretty much outed me to everyone at work. I mean I don't mind everyone knowing about my sexuality, but I would rather do it at my own pace? What's more he keeps telling everyone how you would take advantage of me, how you would 'sell me off' if i went to China to look for you, and that you don't really care about me, just want me for my money and what help I can offer you.

When I reprimanded him later on, he confessed he was just doing it to deter me from making stupid mistakes. It seems like a common concern, you know? My dear, everyone seems to believe you're out to get me; to make use of me and just throw me aside. Maybe they're not wrong. It would explain the few texts I get, the lack of enthusiasm to see or talk to me. It's okay.

After work he (Cheng Yong) lectured me on how Chinese people from the mainland are and he gave me some very hard hitting opinions. I'm appreciative of his advice. I asked God for an angel, a guiding voice for me, a reason for hope. Maybe he is.

When I look back at our time together, I feel glad to have known you. You made me feel so happy, so fortunate, so in love. I waited all my life for you, and you came at this time. I couldn't be more grateful. I want to see you again, but perhaps, it's okay if you don't want to see me again.

I know you have a life back home, and perhaps I was nothing more than another notch on your belt in your time here in Singapore. You have your duties as a son to perform back home, to get married, and have a family. I dare not stand in the way of your rightful life. I would probably just embarrass you anyway. Your family won't like me that much.

I'm a fucking weirdo with my long blonde hair and punk-ass image. I know you think I'm cool and all but I guess not everyone is like you. I grew up having known no one to love me. I was always the loner, the single one. The one no one wanted. No matter how hard I tried, I was just never good enough for people.... Then I met you.

When you proposed to me in that fruit juice stall, my world changed. Suddenly, all my past insecurities didn't matter. Every hurt I felt was a blessing because they led me to you. You, who are so perfect, asked me to be your boyfriend. At that moment, I felt loved. I will never forget that.

I want to look back and always smile. No, this is not the end, but I figure it's best for me to reclaim my heart and love myself again. I cannot keep suffering for you, all alone. I wish I could see you again, but I will let God lead that. After all, He's the one who brought us together in the first place.

I will visit China and look for you soon enough, but perhaps I will no longer be your 亲爱的, or you mine.

I'll always love you, Ah Liang.
AJ

Another Sleepless Night

So it's 3AM as I'm writing this. Damn I should stop thinking about you every time before I go to bed. I keep dreaming of how I see you and how I'm always somehow racing to catch you before you leave again. I guess it's a reflection of how I really feel. I'm still trying to catch you, you little traveler. Will you stop and wait for me?

All this planning for my visit to China has me really stressed up. As if getting to your province isn't hard enough, I have to think about accommodation, food, air fares... I'm beginning to realize just how broke I really am. Damn, I need a better job. So many things to do, so much worries. It's no wonder I am not as centered as I have always been lately. How did you come into my life and then suddenly reset everything I thought I knew about myself?

Qin Ai De, you know I would scale the mountains if I knew you would be there to see me. I'm not sure you would be, that's why I'm so afraid. It's okay to give my all in my home, my country, where I have friends and family to help me. But in a foreign land, I don't know what to do.

Just give me a reason, my love.

I cannot forget you.

I have a colleague who likes to skype with his girlfriend after our shift. It's really cute because he starts to act like a little kid and gets all lovey-dovey.

It reminds me of how I am when I'm with you. You called me a little kid before; you wouldn't be the only one to say that I am. I guess that's what love does to you. When I received your messages two days ago, I was prancing around like a little girl. It's amazing. Me, who has always been known to be the mature and wise one, to be seen to have a mind much older than his body, have been made a kid before your presence. You indeed have power over me I cannot comprehend. Love, it is love. More powerful than any force in this planet, more powerful than the mountains that stand in our way, than the governments that threaten to separate us.

I've been unusually anxious lately - and i mean this sexually. I keep thinking of all the sex we had when we were together and I realize no one has ever come close to filling that void you left. I keep going on this frantic search, getting myself drugged, intoxicated, stoned - to get that high you would give me without these things. No Ah Liang, not even close. I cannot replace you.

Yet somehow, I feel you slipping into the back of my memories. As if two weeks from now I may not even remember your name anymore. Why am I losing my attachment? I keep telling myself I cannot, because if I did, then you wouldn't bother to keep yourself attached to me, like i'm the glue holding us together. 

Who do I kid? You're still on my mind everywhere I go and in everything I do. I still retardedly smile in public when I recall memories of us and zone out more times than I can bother to count. I know nothing would make me happier right now than to have you by my side. I want to see your face. I want to remember how it feels like to have my heart race when I see your face, or my world stop when you hold my hands, to have no sadness or anger in me when you hold me close; to love you. 

I hope you miss me too. Cuz' I fucking miss you. 

My Dear Ah Liang.

My Dearest Ah Liang.

These 2 weeks have been tough without you. More so than I ever thought it could be. Maybe because I went from seeing you everyday to not seeing you at all (and may not ever be able to again!) that makes it so tough.

I've met a couple of guys. Had a couple of mini-dates, but it's been mostly sex. I'm still keeping my promise of having my heart only for you. I hope you are doing the same. How is china? I don't get to hear much from you. I know you don't want me to bother you with messaging you everyday but not hearing from you is eating away at me from the inside. 

There has not been a single day that I have not thought about you. Literally everyday. When I'm happy and when i'm sad; when I'm sober and I'm high. Every little thing brings memories and floods of emotion. 

I was on my way to the gym the other day, just like how we used to. Walked the same path; the many pigeons around, the sun above us. Then I saw someone, carrying a backpack like you would. My heart skipped a beat and everything in me wanted to run up and hug that person, just like how I used to when I saw you in the distance. I looked at him again. I knew he was not you. He didn't have your special 'macho' walk. He wasn't wearing your silly stripped singlet. He was not you. But damn, I wished he was. So that with every drop of hope I could claim victory over my pain, that you would indeed be a part of my life again and true love is more powerful than any governmental power. That distance would be no barrier to us. Alas, I was wrong. 

I miss you so much and the only reason I am writing here is because I dare not bother you with my feelings, lest I scare you away even further than where you already are from me. I wish you were here with me now, scolding me for being too clingy, treating me (and forcing me to) eat chicken rice. Asking me to translate your client's messages. 

I guess it's only really tough now, since this is only the beginning of our seperation. Maybe this phase will blow over.

When it does, will you still call me 亲爱的?

AJ