This is not goodbye, but...

How are you 亲爱的?

You sent me a couple of messages yesterday. You seem rather busy. I'm glad to know you're doing okay in Hubei. Got yourself a waiter's job huh? Cool. Just like me. I know first hand how tough it can be, being a waiter and all. I hope you get enough rest.

Cheng Yong (the chef at work) was teasing me again today, about you. In the process, he pretty much outed me to everyone at work. I mean I don't mind everyone knowing about my sexuality, but I would rather do it at my own pace? What's more he keeps telling everyone how you would take advantage of me, how you would 'sell me off' if i went to China to look for you, and that you don't really care about me, just want me for my money and what help I can offer you.

When I reprimanded him later on, he confessed he was just doing it to deter me from making stupid mistakes. It seems like a common concern, you know? My dear, everyone seems to believe you're out to get me; to make use of me and just throw me aside. Maybe they're not wrong. It would explain the few texts I get, the lack of enthusiasm to see or talk to me. It's okay.

After work he (Cheng Yong) lectured me on how Chinese people from the mainland are and he gave me some very hard hitting opinions. I'm appreciative of his advice. I asked God for an angel, a guiding voice for me, a reason for hope. Maybe he is.

When I look back at our time together, I feel glad to have known you. You made me feel so happy, so fortunate, so in love. I waited all my life for you, and you came at this time. I couldn't be more grateful. I want to see you again, but perhaps, it's okay if you don't want to see me again.

I know you have a life back home, and perhaps I was nothing more than another notch on your belt in your time here in Singapore. You have your duties as a son to perform back home, to get married, and have a family. I dare not stand in the way of your rightful life. I would probably just embarrass you anyway. Your family won't like me that much.

I'm a fucking weirdo with my long blonde hair and punk-ass image. I know you think I'm cool and all but I guess not everyone is like you. I grew up having known no one to love me. I was always the loner, the single one. The one no one wanted. No matter how hard I tried, I was just never good enough for people.... Then I met you.

When you proposed to me in that fruit juice stall, my world changed. Suddenly, all my past insecurities didn't matter. Every hurt I felt was a blessing because they led me to you. You, who are so perfect, asked me to be your boyfriend. At that moment, I felt loved. I will never forget that.

I want to look back and always smile. No, this is not the end, but I figure it's best for me to reclaim my heart and love myself again. I cannot keep suffering for you, all alone. I wish I could see you again, but I will let God lead that. After all, He's the one who brought us together in the first place.

I will visit China and look for you soon enough, but perhaps I will no longer be your 亲爱的, or you mine.

I'll always love you, Ah Liang.
AJ