Lovey-dovey talk

If your words are just words and mean nothing, then you are really horrible. Because you are serenading me and making me fall for you all over again. why do i love you so?

I still love you

It's funny, it's been 3 months since I've been with you. It seems really fast but it also seems like it's been longer than that. I can't decide.

Been talking to my friends and they are very empathetic to our situation and whilst they are doing their best not to judge, they have made it clear to me they don't like me being with you very much. I would probably feel the same if one of my friends suffered so visibly while he/she was in a relationship. Lol. That's what you do to me, make my friends hate you. 哈哈。

While speaking to one of my friends, who said he thought it was pretty clear to him that I'm over you, I kinda realized.... I ain't over you at all. I've just gotten used to the way things are with us. It doesn't bother me so much anymore; and I've realized why.

因为我依然爱你。

My love for you has kept me sane through all this. To be honest - and my friends know this about me - I do not take shit from people. But with you.... It's different. I guess that's why my friends are bothered. And when I ask myself why I go through with it, the answer is always the same; 因为我依然爱你。

Things with us are not so bad now, I feel. 我已经习惯了。I just wish I get to see you soon, that's all. No other wishes or expectations. So many men buzz around me these days. It's nice, it truly is. You made me start going to the gym and now it's paying off. But with every man I am with, I always end up wishing they were you instead. I guess even if i wanted to, I couldn't break our promise. My heart is still only for you.

Really feel like traveling around China. Might plan to do it soon. Maybe you can visit me then... better still, 你可以陪我走。 呵呵 ：）

For all the ...

Samson,

For all the pain you put me through.
For all the tears you've made me shed
For all the nights of sleep you made me lose

For all the promises you never kept
For all the messages you never replied
For all the hurt my heart has felt

For all the things you've asked of me
Not once have I said no
Yet not once have you thought of how I'd be.


For all the pain you put me through
For all the hope you made me lost
I have nothing more to say to you,
Than goddammit Samson, FUCK YOU!!!

Where does my heart lie now?

亲爱的

How is the weather in Hubei? I mean, that's where you are right? I honestly don't know where you are or what you do. You get me worried sick I swear. 

I met someone recently, his name is Jasper. He's really nice and so innocent. Not to mention he's really cute too. He takes all my compliments well and he's always so humble about it too. He's been messaging me everyday these past couple of days now, and it's really nice since he's the one initiating these messages. Makes me feel special, like someone so good looking would want my attention. The last time I felt like this was with ........ you.

Maybe I don't deserve to have you as my boyfriend. Maybe I broke someone's heart so badly in my past life that my karma is back to haunt me. Maybe I deserve this suffering for taking you away from your family and your rightful path in life. Maybe. When I think about it, I really feel that all I've ever done and can be blamed for, is that I fell in love with you.

Perhaps it's just our fate that is such, and I have no reason to blame myself or blame you for any of this. I am sure you do not intentionally want me to suffer. I mean, who am I kidding? You're not really my boyfriend. We just say that to please each other and the people around us. I am more than happy to play this lovegame with you, because it means I still can have you in my life. Maybe in the future, I can have a better reason to want to keep you in my life. Haha. I was truly lucky to have met you. I am still in disbelief actually. Many people are jealous of me! When I think about it, I really feel like the biggest blessing that I have been given, was that I fell in love with you.

I wonder if we will truly ever meet again, I really do. Not just because you seem hesitant, but as time seems to pass, I seem hesitant too. Don't you ever think for a second that I would just walk away. I want you and I miss you and I love you too much for that. I keep seeing you in my mind, but the memories are getting less vivid as they were before and all I have are pictures to remind me of them. Even when I picture you, I almost forget how you look like. 

请原谅我, maybe it's just my loneliness acting up on me. Anyway this thing with Jasper... we're just friends, nothing more. I'd never find someone else; you would. I hope you are well. Please text me again soon.

我会永远爱你，亲爱的。

I'm waiting on you

亲爱的，

I must be honest, I seem no longer frustrated at you for not replying, or just simply, not being there. I don't know, maybe I've settled in and have understood the dynamics of our relationship. I still do with you would reply me more often though :)

I stalk your WeChat everyday, hoping to see a new post from you so that I can quickly translate it and find out what's going on in your life, what is in your mind etc. Mind you, some of the things you share, take a lot of effort translating! I wonder if you would appreciate my effort. It's okay I would have done it either way.

I find it strange when you thank me for thinking of you. I don't know if it's a cultural difference or it's just your character; does it mean you don't think of me? Yet sometimes you randomly message me saying you think of me often. I am confused, honestly.

Two nights ago, my 'godmother' called me up in the middle of the night. She said she had been praying about my situation (as in you know, you and me) and she said God had revealed to her that you were just making use of me, nothing more. You have no feelings for me whatsoever. She was so hesitant to say it and kept beating around the bush. That was annoying haha.

What she said is not something I haven't thought of. It really changes very little. Just want you to know it doesn't matter if you love me or not, I always will cherish you and our times together. I know that you still say to me that you love me and so on. It's okay if you don't really mean it. I wish I could express to you how much you mean to me - that I want you to be honest and real with me, and that it would not make you any less desirable to me. Just that, my chinese not good enough for that, haha. In time maybe :)

I've postponed my trip to china, as per your request. Would you please let me know when I can make my way there? I would like to see you again sometime. You asked me to trust you right? So here I am patiently waiting. 

hugs and kisses.
AJ

I Miss Him

It's not fair

I'm talking to you up there

Are you there? You know I care

So don't tell me this is an empty prayer

Please, no.

Cause all I had and all I've lost

You know I still remember

I watch him fade and slip away

It's hurting more than ever

I miss him

Even though he's still there

You need to listen

Don't let it disappear!

I'll give up my forever

If it meant for a day I could be with him again

Cause I miss him

Even though he's still there.

Adapted from 'I Miss Her' by Jessie J

Just changed the words a little bit to represent how I feel. I hope that someday you can read all I've written and know my struggles, 亲爱的。

情人节。。。？

亲爱的 Ah Liang

你好吗？I guess it was rather silly of me to dream of spending valentine's day with you this year. I've never had a chance to spend it with a 情人 before - being hopeful is no sin, right?

My restaurant was very busy on Valentine's day, it was a killer. We were all so tired. Though my manager has was getting emotional, thinking about her ex-boyfriends, It surprised me that during the shift, you did not cross my mind at all. Perhaps I was so busy I really couldn't think much at all.

After the shift however, and the days preceding it, my mind was was really occupied by you. I kept thinking how it was so unfair. I kept complaining to God, asking him how he could let something like this happen to me - to us. I never really doubted God much in recent times, but my love for you has even battered such a strong pillar I thought could never waver. I can't even lead my cell group well anymore, because of how off-centre I am. 

I'm sorry, I know it seems like I'm complaining alot these days. I forget to remember the happy things. Like how I was absolutely delighted that you texted me saying 情人节快乐. That little chat with you made me feel regenerated and I feel like I have the strength to carry on, especially after you said 请相信我们会见面。I miss you terribly. I really do hope we will see each other again. Been working so hard to see you again, that I've fallen ill. Need to get some rest, not just physically but emotionally as well. 

It is really cold where you are right now, please stay warm. 

The highs and lows

How are you doing 宝贝?

Today is the 11th of February, which means it's been a month since you left Singapore. Must be all nice and settled in China now. Wonder how it is over where you're at.

Ever since I told myself that I have to move on, the pain in my heart has intensified. I thought I would feel better if I let you go but instead I feel worse. These last few nights have been horrible. It goes without saying that I have not slept well at all, but even when I do sleep my subconscious haunts me with images of you. I wake up breathless and in tears almost every time. In my dreams, I win you and lose you all over again. Why my mind wants to torture me like that, I will never know.

I just wish I stop feeling so much pain and I asked myself what I could do to stop this pain. I realize that really, you are both my poison and my antidote.

Yet I am conflicted. On one hand, I know that if I keep you in my life, I will never truly get over you. Perhaps I am wrong. Perhaps the best thing for me to do is to re-establish our friendship; you know, like what we had when we first met. How we would tease each other as we had our meals. How you would ask me to translate your clients messages, how you would play with me in the gym and not care who was watching. I just want to be in your presence and remember how it is to enjoy your company. :)

I guess after all that's said and done, I still miss you.

"For whatever path we choose to take, there will be highs and there will be lows the same. 

We'll never run from our mistakes, the harder we fall, the harder we try... again."

It's Over

Dear Chen Yun Liang (Samson)

I've missed you everyday since you left Singapore, and my love for you has grown exponentially. It's amazing that even in your absence I am motivated by you to change my life, to work for things and for the first time in a long time, my life has direction. You have changed my life and I wish I could spend everyday of my life with you.....

But I don't think you feel the same.

I've been trying so hard to maintain our relationship, our communication, our trust, but you don't seem to want to even bother. Every moment I have with you is precious and our memories together are invaluable, but they don't seem to matter to you. How is it that here I am losing my mind and myself over you, and you have barely any thought of me?

Finally, I am tired of sacrificing. Tired of giving in to you like I always do. Tired of you leading me on thinking it's a good idea to wait on you, when deep down I know you're never coming back.

I've allowed myself to reclaim my heart and I'm finally nursing the rips and tears that wrecked it. I'm finally courageous enough to do it.


One of your clients messaged me on Facebook today, thinking that he could get in touch with you through me. When I asked him how you guys met, I was startled to find out that it was in a sauna, and it was about the time you were heading back to China. That means that in that night you left me alone in the room, you were probably out meeting clients in a sauna. It hurts me to know that you didn't just tell me, but instead left me hanging. Did you know that was the loneliest night in my life? My heart broken from waiting for you, my stomach hungry from spending all my money on you such that I had none for myself to even eat, and my mind lost in a rush of thoughts that came every 3 seconds worrying about you. Worst part of all, what I really wanted, was you by my side that night. You never came. I had to meet you much much later the following day. Still somehow you made it seem like it was my fault.

When I think back, the only thing I am truly guilty for, is falling in love with you. Lame as it is.


My friend asked me if I could go back in time now with the knowledge I have, would I still go through with you; I told her I don't regret anything.

You made me start going to the gym, which in turn has made me a little more sexier, which in turn makes me more desirable to some other men - none of them as hot or will ever be as perfect as you of course, but still, I had nothing before but now I have. You made me start seriously learning Mandarin and if anything I have learnt a new language. You made me more conscious of the way I look, because I always wanted to look the best for you. That has made me raise my game. Everything I have built in myself over the years, you took away when I met you and now have to rebuild.

But more than anything, you made me fall in love. You made me experience what it feels like to love and to lose. You came into my life, swept me off my feet and called me your 老婆. You made me feel alive and you are my first ever boyfriend; for that, nothing I can do would express the gratitude I have for you.


I feel a bit sad now that I realize the last time I would ever see you was when I sent you off at the airport, crying like a baby. I guess it's because I hate sad goodbyes. I should have appreciated your presence a little more, seeing as I will never see you again. Wish I had the chance to say goodbye with peace and well wishes in my heart. But God has his reasons. He brought us together after all.


I love you Ah Liang, you are my 亲爱的. I will always love you. But right now, I just want to live my life without you. If this thing between us ends, not only will our relationship end, but so will my suffering, and I guess I can be happy about that, even if I am not happy having to leave you.

I wish you will be safe and happy always, that you will love someone like how I loved you, and to be loved back in the same way by that person. You deserve to have that. I will pray every night for your success and joy in life. Maybe some day our paths will cross again. TIll then, this is goodbye, my love.

2nd Month Anniversary!

Can you believe it Ah Liang? 2 months!

I know it's a little cheesy to celebrate a '2 month anniversary', but with a relationship like ours, everyday is a reason to celebrate! After all, you ARE my first ever boyfriend and I guess I can't be blamed for being excited.

It seems like only yesterday that I was walking along Smith St in Chinatown, looking for the massageboy who messaged me. I remember how you said I was very smart for being able to understand and speak Mandarin. You don't know this, but after our very first time together and you walked with me to the train station, I was going crazy on the inside and I immediately called up my friend and told him what happened, after you left. Such a little girl I was.

Our time together does seem like an eternity. doesn't it? I mean, after all the shit we've seemed to have faced. I complained to God once, why my first relationship had to be this complicated... why I couldn't just get a regular Singaporean boy, make it easier for me. Just want you to know I have never regretted knowing and being with you. As many storms and as much darkness there was with us, there was a lot more sunshine and joy. You made me feel happiness I never knew existed.

I hope I've made you happy too.... I know I have. The smile on your face when we spent time together, you know I can never forget that. I see the little boy boy in you whenever you smile like that. Made me fall in love with you so much deeper.

You made my day today by chatting with me. You always brighten up my day when you message me. I know we may have fought a little bit but I guess we were both frustrated. I'm glad we both ended the conversation on a good note. I'm sorry if I've ever made things difficult for you; I know I am not qualified to be a boyfriend to someone as perfect as you, but I try very hard. I hope you can see that.

I remember you said you'd always be with me. I wonder if that will be true. I'm anxiously counting each day and I hope I will get to see you soon. It's very hard for me to even think of letting you go. Silly right? I know. Like you said before, I'm like a little kid. I am when I am with you.

Forgive me if I have ranted a little long here, and if my thoughts are a little frantic. You know me, once I start talking about you, I wont stop. You do that to me you see. I'm just really happy to have had 2 months with you. Everyday is a bonus! I hope you are safe and well, and I hope you think about me as much as I think about you. Till we meet again,

Happy Anniversary my love.
AJ

This is not goodbye, but...

How are you 亲爱的?

You sent me a couple of messages yesterday. You seem rather busy. I'm glad to know you're doing okay in Hubei. Got yourself a waiter's job huh? Cool. Just like me. I know first hand how tough it can be, being a waiter and all. I hope you get enough rest.

Cheng Yong (the chef at work) was teasing me again today, about you. In the process, he pretty much outed me to everyone at work. I mean I don't mind everyone knowing about my sexuality, but I would rather do it at my own pace? What's more he keeps telling everyone how you would take advantage of me, how you would 'sell me off' if i went to China to look for you, and that you don't really care about me, just want me for my money and what help I can offer you.

When I reprimanded him later on, he confessed he was just doing it to deter me from making stupid mistakes. It seems like a common concern, you know? My dear, everyone seems to believe you're out to get me; to make use of me and just throw me aside. Maybe they're not wrong. It would explain the few texts I get, the lack of enthusiasm to see or talk to me. It's okay.

After work he (Cheng Yong) lectured me on how Chinese people from the mainland are and he gave me some very hard hitting opinions. I'm appreciative of his advice. I asked God for an angel, a guiding voice for me, a reason for hope. Maybe he is.

When I look back at our time together, I feel glad to have known you. You made me feel so happy, so fortunate, so in love. I waited all my life for you, and you came at this time. I couldn't be more grateful. I want to see you again, but perhaps, it's okay if you don't want to see me again.

I know you have a life back home, and perhaps I was nothing more than another notch on your belt in your time here in Singapore. You have your duties as a son to perform back home, to get married, and have a family. I dare not stand in the way of your rightful life. I would probably just embarrass you anyway. Your family won't like me that much.

I'm a fucking weirdo with my long blonde hair and punk-ass image. I know you think I'm cool and all but I guess not everyone is like you. I grew up having known no one to love me. I was always the loner, the single one. The one no one wanted. No matter how hard I tried, I was just never good enough for people.... Then I met you.

When you proposed to me in that fruit juice stall, my world changed. Suddenly, all my past insecurities didn't matter. Every hurt I felt was a blessing because they led me to you. You, who are so perfect, asked me to be your boyfriend. At that moment, I felt loved. I will never forget that.

I want to look back and always smile. No, this is not the end, but I figure it's best for me to reclaim my heart and love myself again. I cannot keep suffering for you, all alone. I wish I could see you again, but I will let God lead that. After all, He's the one who brought us together in the first place.

I will visit China and look for you soon enough, but perhaps I will no longer be your 亲爱的, or you mine.

I'll always love you, Ah Liang.
AJ

Another Sleepless Night

So it's 3AM as I'm writing this. Damn I should stop thinking about you every time before I go to bed. I keep dreaming of how I see you and how I'm always somehow racing to catch you before you leave again. I guess it's a reflection of how I really feel. I'm still trying to catch you, you little traveler. Will you stop and wait for me?

All this planning for my visit to China has me really stressed up. As if getting to your province isn't hard enough, I have to think about accommodation, food, air fares... I'm beginning to realize just how broke I really am. Damn, I need a better job. So many things to do, so much worries. It's no wonder I am not as centered as I have always been lately. How did you come into my life and then suddenly reset everything I thought I knew about myself?

Qin Ai De, you know I would scale the mountains if I knew you would be there to see me. I'm not sure you would be, that's why I'm so afraid. It's okay to give my all in my home, my country, where I have friends and family to help me. But in a foreign land, I don't know what to do.

Just give me a reason, my love.

I cannot forget you.

I have a colleague who likes to skype with his girlfriend after our shift. It's really cute because he starts to act like a little kid and gets all lovey-dovey.

It reminds me of how I am when I'm with you. You called me a little kid before; you wouldn't be the only one to say that I am. I guess that's what love does to you. When I received your messages two days ago, I was prancing around like a little girl. It's amazing. Me, who has always been known to be the mature and wise one, to be seen to have a mind much older than his body, have been made a kid before your presence. You indeed have power over me I cannot comprehend. Love, it is love. More powerful than any force in this planet, more powerful than the mountains that stand in our way, than the governments that threaten to separate us.

I've been unusually anxious lately - and i mean this sexually. I keep thinking of all the sex we had when we were together and I realize no one has ever come close to filling that void you left. I keep going on this frantic search, getting myself drugged, intoxicated, stoned - to get that high you would give me without these things. No Ah Liang, not even close. I cannot replace you.

Yet somehow, I feel you slipping into the back of my memories. As if two weeks from now I may not even remember your name anymore. Why am I losing my attachment? I keep telling myself I cannot, because if I did, then you wouldn't bother to keep yourself attached to me, like i'm the glue holding us together. 

Who do I kid? You're still on my mind everywhere I go and in everything I do. I still retardedly smile in public when I recall memories of us and zone out more times than I can bother to count. I know nothing would make me happier right now than to have you by my side. I want to see your face. I want to remember how it feels like to have my heart race when I see your face, or my world stop when you hold my hands, to have no sadness or anger in me when you hold me close; to love you. 

I hope you miss me too. Cuz' I fucking miss you. 

My Dear Ah Liang.

My Dearest Ah Liang.

These 2 weeks have been tough without you. More so than I ever thought it could be. Maybe because I went from seeing you everyday to not seeing you at all (and may not ever be able to again!) that makes it so tough.

I've met a couple of guys. Had a couple of mini-dates, but it's been mostly sex. I'm still keeping my promise of having my heart only for you. I hope you are doing the same. How is china? I don't get to hear much from you. I know you don't want me to bother you with messaging you everyday but not hearing from you is eating away at me from the inside. 

There has not been a single day that I have not thought about you. Literally everyday. When I'm happy and when i'm sad; when I'm sober and I'm high. Every little thing brings memories and floods of emotion. 

I was on my way to the gym the other day, just like how we used to. Walked the same path; the many pigeons around, the sun above us. Then I saw someone, carrying a backpack like you would. My heart skipped a beat and everything in me wanted to run up and hug that person, just like how I used to when I saw you in the distance. I looked at him again. I knew he was not you. He didn't have your special 'macho' walk. He wasn't wearing your silly stripped singlet. He was not you. But damn, I wished he was. So that with every drop of hope I could claim victory over my pain, that you would indeed be a part of my life again and true love is more powerful than any governmental power. That distance would be no barrier to us. Alas, I was wrong. 

I miss you so much and the only reason I am writing here is because I dare not bother you with my feelings, lest I scare you away even further than where you already are from me. I wish you were here with me now, scolding me for being too clingy, treating me (and forcing me to) eat chicken rice. Asking me to translate your client's messages. 

I guess it's only really tough now, since this is only the beginning of our seperation. Maybe this phase will blow over.

When it does, will you still call me 亲爱的?

AJ